Zen and the Art of /.*/

I recently received a forward from a family member:

A Little Boy’s Explanation of God — Fabulous!!! Out of the mouths of the Babes — I certainly don’t think an adult could explain this more beautifully!

THIS IS FABULOUS!!!

It was written by an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton, who lives in Chula Vista, CA. He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to ‘explain God.’ I wonder if any of us could have done as well? (…and he had such an assignment, in California, and someone published it, I guess miracles do happen!)

EXPLANATION OF GOD:

One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn’t make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn’t have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn’t go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad’s head asking for something they said you couldn’t have. Atheists are people who don’t believe in God. I don’t think there are any in Chula Vista… At least there aren’t any who come to our church.

Jesus is God’s Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn’t want to learn about God.. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn’t know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.

His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn’t have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time. You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy, it’s God!

Don’t skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don’t believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can’t go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He’s around you when you’re scared, in the dark or when you can’t swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.

But…you shouldn’t just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases.

And…that’s why I believe in God.

My reply-to-all (fair’s fair) was as follows:

Sorry, I can’t help but Snopes forwards:

http://www.snopes.com/glurge/dutton.asp

Coherent overall structure from start to finish. Multiple paragraphs each containing a central theme. Coherent and complete sentences — even complex sentence structures with multiple clauses and parentheticals. Relatively sophisticated diction including the proper use of all words — even contractions and proper capitalization of all references to the deities. Not that the writing is all that spectacular, but I very rarely see adults who can write this correctly.

Of course the author attempts to use colloquialisms, a stream-of-consciousness style, and the occasional short sentence to make it sound as though it is written by an innocent and candid child. Clearly it is not.

One must wonder about the motivations and scruples of a person who would contrive an essay with the pretension of being authored by a child, manufacture a story about its origins, preface it with hyperbole, dress it up with stylized text and a kitschy picture, and then foist it upon an unsuspecting and credulous audience.

But what of the content? Fairly complete and advanced theological arguments, not-so-subtle overtones of condescending moral authority, and an all-encompassing, out-of-hand, matter-of-fact condemnation of atheism.

Name me an eight-year-old that knows of, understands, or cares about “atheism” enough to directly reference it — twice — in one short essay. Most adults don’t even have a clue what “atheism” is. (Which, by the way, is not an “ism” at all, but merely the rejection of a few other select “isms”.)

It is clear that this author can not properly formulate an articulate argument for his claims, so instead he must resort to fabricated essays purportedly from a clear-eyed and pure-hearted adolescent. Quite clearly, his claim is that a belief in, obedience to, and worship of the god(s) of Christianity is all-important, unquestionable, and self-evident — so much so that it is morally justifiable — no, imperative — that it be imposed upon others, through all available means, including deception.

Truth requires no such behavior. It can be researched, weighed, and debated civilly and non-coercively by rational adults. The burden of proof — no, I’ll be generous — the burden of a compelling and satisfying argument — lies not with those who, through knowledge of contradictory evidence, simply decline to give credence to incredible claims, but with those who propose them and subsequently demand, simultaneously, unquestioning obedience, unrelenting fear, whole-hearted worship, and unconditional love.

No, an eight-year-old did not write this piece of ignorant moral condescension and elitism. That is the domain of adults who would put such words into the mouths of children.

Children, like rational adults, do not need anything but their own intellect, experience, innate humanity, compassion, and natural propensity for love in order to know right from wrong and to love thy neighbor.